How to Write A Fic A Step by Step Guide
by Aphrodesiaddict
Summary: The complete moron's guide on how NOT to write a fanfiction.


_This is a parody. For those of you who take this manual seriously, I know some good psychologists._

* * *

How to Write A Fic (A Step by Step Guide) 

So you want to write a story for your favorite fandom, but you don't know where to start? Want to become a famed author, but need help getting there? No worries!

This step by step guide will help aspiring writers just like you succeed in every possible area, from story dynamics to grammar. All you have to do is read this handy dandy guide and you'll be excelling in no time!

Our curriculum is based on seven easy steps.

STEP 1: Writing effective author's notes

An author's note is the first step to success. Without one, people won't even bother reading your story. A good author's note should always include the following…

Excited statements about how this is your first fanfiction – flocks of reviewers will come to your aid as advisors (plus, you need to make sure you have an excuse for why your story is so bad).

Long winded descriptions of your evil plots to make the characters yours - the more far fetched, the better.

Begging for reviews – People absolutely love it when you shamelessly beg for reviews, preferably on your hands and knees. Never simply ask politely; that won't get you anywhere. The harder you beg, the more people will feel sorry for you, and therefore the more they will review.

Statements concerning how 'hot' the characters are – this is especially effective if you include your future plans to marry one or more of them. Showing your love for a character helps the readers 'get to know you' as an author.

A sob story- these always get people to feel bad for you; if you do it right, they will even cry. Remember, people care more about your personal life than the story they are reading. Sob stories about how your boyfriend/girlfriend broke up with you are especially enthralling.

Lots of capital letters – this technique really catches a reader's eye - it draws their attention, even captivates them, especially if it is done in combination with lower case letters.

Improper grammar and spelling (see 'STEP 6: Grammar and Spelling' for more details).

EXAMPLE:

A/N: OMGSH!!! I'm like SOOOO excited, b/c this is like my FIRST FanFICTION!!!!! I'm really soory if its bad, but I'm trying my best!! And I'm REAlllY sad cause my BOYfriEND BROKe up WITh me!!!!!!!!! (tears) Weve been going out fro SIX MOTHS!!! I Know!! It's HORiible!! So to make me feel better, YOU MUST REVIEW!!! Pleez, or I'll cry!

Anywayz, these caracters don't belong to MEEE!! I knoe, hoe sad!! But I plan to make them mine, yesssm, just you wait!! I'm gonna sleep with the cooperation that maks them until they give in and give me the MUney!! ($$$$$$!!!) And then Im gonna use it to BUYYY sora and riku and axel and roxas because they are just SOOO HOOOOTTT!!!! (drools) I'm Soooo marrying like ALL of them, and keeping them in my bathtub fotr Hot SHMEx every morning, afternoon, and NITE!!!!! LOL!!!

Take special notice of the excessive exclamation points; these signify an author excited about his/her writing and can often energize a reader.

* * *

STEP 2: Creating an original storyline 

The plot is always the most important part of the story. Without a good plot, a story is nothing.

Your plot has to be original. Don't write about something someone else has written about a million times before. If you need help getting ideas, refer to the following guide to plot writing…

The best setting to write about is high school. High school is a novelty in the fanfiction world; it's something no one has ever dared to explore. Even if your story completely sucks, people will love it because the idea is so different from everything else that is out there.

The best ideas for plots are ones that involve two completely opposite people falling in love. Generally, the boy should be popular and arrogant and the girl should be average, shy, or even geeky.

The way the main characters meet is absolutely essential. You should try having them first meet by bumping into each other in the hallway and dropping their books, then later having them be assigned as partners for a school project. Trust us, these ideas are totally unique.

Remember, the above suggestions are absolutely fool proof. Stick to them, and you will be sure to get a flood of reviews in by the very next morning! Guaranteed!

EXAMPLE:

Kairi is the new girl in Destiny high skool. She had never been to pubic school before. She is walking to school on her fist day when she seez a really hot guy It's like love at first site! She's melting into his beautiful blue eyes and staring but she doesn't notice.

When she gets into skool, she sees him again in her maths class. He shits in front of her!! But he doesn't talk to her becaush she's not anybody popular. BRING!!! The bell rings.

She goes out into the hallway, sad b/c she don't have any friends. She's too sad and caught up in her sadness that she doesn't see the hot guy from before and crashes into him. They both fall down but she drops her books. He smiles at her 'OHMYGOSH!!! HE'S SO CUTE!!!' she thinks but she takes his hand and he helps her up.

"Want to go out with me?" the hot dude asks. She nods excitedly. She couldn't believe the hottest guy EVER asked her out!! Squeal

Should you choose to deviate from the basic storyline mentioned previously (which is strongly discouraged), remember not to choose a plot that is too cliché.

* * *

STEP 3: Developing your story 

Story development involves two things- developing the plot and the characters.

Developing the plot- The most important thing is to completely disregard transition. Readers often get confused if the transition between one scene and another is too smooth. A piece which jumps around wildly from one character and setting to another makes for an exciting, intense story with lots of plot twists.

Developing the characters- The best way to do this is start by describing what the characters are wearing, in great detail. A character's clothes tell the reader a lot about their personality. You should pay special attention to describing their everyday outfits, because the readers absolutely fawn over such things. Be sure to include the color of a person's jeans and the style of necklace they are wearing.

TIP: Be sure to include numerous author's notes that interfere with the story. They should generally either apologize for bad grammar or comment on the hotness of one of the characters. These are essential because they let the readers know that you are only human and you make mistakes too.

TIP: Make as many references to modern day devices as you possibly can- include the brand names if possible. You must be clear about the time period your story takes place in; not doing so may result in your story being declared void for vagueness.

EXAMPLE:

Kairi was wearing a pale blue baby T shirt with a picture of a bunny rabbit on it, tight blue jeans, and a shell necklace given to her by her mother. Her iPod video was hanging around her slim neck. Her best friend selphie wearing a pretty yellow sundress and sandals and holding her MP3 player in her hands. They walked into there classroom.

(scene change) Axel and Roxas were in class and they were texting eachother with their brand new Motorola razor cell phones because the teacher was really boring and they didn't care what he was saying. So they started making out, rite their in class. (A/N srry for bad selling)

(back to kairi and selphie) Kairi screamed. OMGSH!! She was assigned to work with SORA!!! The most popular boy in school!!! (A/N I'd be happy too!!)

She was really surprised she fainted.

Remember, this example is of the bare minimum. Describing everything in full detail would simply take too much time- this is merely a tutorial.

* * *

STEP 4: Original characters 

An original character is just what every story needs to make it complete. The best original characters are Mary Sues which have all the following elements in common…

They are generally related in some way to the characters. When writing one, you should make sure they have ties to at least two of the main characters. This can be done by making your Mary Sue the main character's sister, cousin, childhood friend, or even former love interest.

They are beautiful and generally female. A Mary Sue has to be your favorite character's dream girl. She generally should have long, shiny hair and large breasts.

They are strong. A Mary Sue must be able to fight. She should never be a typical princess who sits in the background and waits for her man to win the fight for her. If you want to really impress the readers, make it so that your Mary Sue saves the main characters' lives in battle, with her special, ultra-cool abilities.

All of the characters of the opposite sex fall in love with her. There are no exceptions to this rule, even if they are related. All of the characters of the same sex must be jealous of her, because she is so beautiful and perfect.

She is generally named after the author. Though not required, this is strongly encouraged.

She is a mystery. She should have a tragic past that is uncovered slowly to the other characters. The sadder the original character's story, the more the readers will love her.

EXAMPLE:

Sora couldn't believe it there was this truly beautiful girl standing there, her long pretty hair blowing in the wind. And she had saved them!! If it weren't for her awesome keybalde welding powers than they would surely be DOOMED and eaten by the heartless!! She could weld 3 keyblades at once- 1 in each hand and 1 with her super sidekick powers! She hashed and slashed away all the heartless until there were none left!! (A/N she's so cool!!)

They found out later that her name was Katie and she was riku's ex and sora's little sister who he hadn't seen in 5 years. She had beautiful shiny silver bluish hair that sparkled, and her eyes were a maleficent pale purple, like diamonds. But she has a really sad look on her face. Sora wondered why she was like that and what happened to her. He found out later that she used to be a spy for organization VIII but she overcame her darkness just like riku. But she was still like reeaaaallly hott! Sora wanted to marry her and have her children and shmex her all the time!!!

But please, don't make your character _too _perfect. People might get jealous.

* * *

STEP 5: Sex scenes (commonly known as 'lemons') 

Lemons are among the most difficult of scenes to write, as they require a lot of time, effort, and precision. To write a successful one, you will need to adhere strictly to these guidelines…

No matter what, _never_include the word 'sex' in your story. The characters can 'shmex', but they never, on any occasion, have sex.

Do not include the proper terms for the male and female genitalia. The terms 'penis' and 'vagina' are considered offensive to at least 27 different religions. Instead, use terms such as 'womanly core' and 'manhood', to avoid offending anyone's beliefs. Also, the use of innuendos such as 'sausage' comes in handy when talking about particular body parts.

Do not include any swear words. The vast majority of children on this site have mothers, so please, be considerate. Mothers surely don't want their children reading anything with profanity. If you feel cursing is appropriate, be sure to substitute the offending words with symbols.

EXAMPLE:

Sora was int eh shower when suddenly riku came in. they were both nakid. There was a lot of steam in the shower cause sora had been in there a long time. Both of their rock hard manhoods r erect (A/N ooooh I used a fancy word!!). Riku took his 'junk' and inserted it into sora's ss, who screamed in pleasure. "Ohmygawd, Riku! That feels so $#!& good!!!"

Suddenly Kairi walked in. "OMGSH you guys are shmexing!! I want to join u!!" So kairi took off her shirt showing her nice, round boobies and she joined them. Sora inserted his 'equipment' into kairis 'taco' and they screwed all nite long!!!

Notice how all words are very simple. This is not scientific research, nor are you writing a college entry paper - so don't treat it that way.

* * *

Well folks, there you have it- a guide for being a successful fanfiction author. If you carefully read this entire manual, then you are ready to start writing! The number one rule is to never be professional. Remember that, and you will do well in life. 

Please, if you have any comments, questions, or concerns, don't hesitate to leave a review.


End file.
